If You're Happy and Uncomfortable, Clap Your Hands!

Despite the absolute mess that I call my existence and the absolute stress that I'm under -- graduation in less than 3 months, holding a position on prom committee, working a part-time job, attempting to maintain my honour roll status and some what of a social life all at the same damn time -- my life has been going exceptionally well lately. To most people, normal people, this might appear to be a good thing. I, however, (to my great misfortune) am not normal, I belong to a large portion of people who've been through quite a bit of trash in their lifetime, quite a bit of trauma if you will. Don't misquote me though! I'm happy that my life is going well, I'm ecstatic. It's been a while since I've felt this good and it's not a Hey! I'm having a good day today! type of good, it's a Hey! After what felt like a lifetime of emotional insecurity/instability as a result of trauma and abandonment, my life seems to be going good! Wow! type of good.

And I'm so uncomfortable.

I promise I'm going somewhere with this, there's a perfectly logical explanation, I think.

Allow me to elaborate: When trauma is all you know, after a while, you get used to it. You get comfortable in it, satisfied with it, you almost kind of bask in it? And while you might not be in the most delightful of situations, you've come to the conclusion that, hey, this is your life and you should probably get used to it.

And that you do.

So when good things happen to you, when a good life starts to happen to you. It feels weird, you feel out of place. You've become so accustomed to your life being trash that when it's not, you and your life switch places and it's you that starts feeling like the trash. Imagine that, trauma being someone's comfort zone, ha! Well that my friends is exactly the position that I'm in right now. I'm not used to my life being good, I'm not used to feeling good, I'm not used to feelings of happiness being consistent rather than a symptom of mania, I'm not used to it and to be frank, it's starting to creep me out.

Becoming accustomed to a version of my life where I actually have my stuff together, the relationships that I participate in aren't fuelled by toxicity, and I wake up in the morning and -- get this -- I actually have a will to live (a personal favourite of mine) is harder than I thought it would be. The transition that I'm making from my old self to my new one isn't an easy one. Like everything else in life, it's a process. A process filled with discomfort, uneasiness, tepid feelings but more than anything growth.

And as long as there's slight promise at the end of all this mess, I'm okay with all of it.

Yes, I'm uncomfortable but at this point in my life I've learned that discomfort is an indication of change. It means new things are arriving, and in my case, said things are good.

And that's a first for me. A first that I'm not entirely mad at. A first that I'm okay with.

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"Growth is painful. Change is painful. But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you don't belong."

N.R Narayana Murthy